The Untold Catastrophe of Women (Mostly Hot woman)

There is this Phenomenon which the world abstains from discussing or sometimes fails to realize. I call it the "The Untold Catastrophe of Women.. Especially Hot Women"

I lived long enough with many women through this life cycle of theirs; in which they turn from beautiful seductive wild lilies to worthless pile of mulch. Well before I step into all that…….Lets Talk about the “Good Guys”

 There is a different category of men than my breed; Well you can define my breed as the Hardcore Whiskey drinking ; Red meat eating, Drunken driving , irresponsible, Commitment phobic, Scarface fans…. Basically! The Bad guys! ……………………………

…………………The other types the world calls them the Family Types. They are respected, been idolized and loved and more often showed to my types as the Paradigm of perfectness.The Good Guys.

These are men who possess the most evident knowledge and principles of life. They have a steady job (mostly IT or Financial) They are experts in Income tax returns, Investment plans, Child education, Family Budgeting. They are filled with these whole strata of materialistic awareness like Rice is best purchased in bulk , Power & money can be saved by setting AC in auto Sleep mode, you should always insist on using mineral water in juice shops etc etc etc

They are faithful towards their woman, they watch TV serials with them, They drink only on rare weekends, they always know the exact date @ which milk at home Expires, Toothpaste runs out and stuff.

They are the paradigm of Institutional stability. Now my kind or at least I am cool with all these. I respect them for this ….. Well not respect and all, but yeah whatever!!

But there is this untold story behind all this, Well atleast I feel so. They take away our woman; …………

This infact is perfectly all right. We are equipped to replace this woman with equally hot or perhaps hotter ones. There is absolutely no figment of jealousy here. Trust me.

It’s the aftermath which makes me/ us sad. These women (Oooh Those Women) .. …. Who were once sexy , hot , intelligent, intellectual , imaginative , deep , flirty ,carefree,  beautiful, slim  when they were with us, are suddenly metamorphasised  into Boring , Fat , dull , nagging , gossiping ,stuck up stubborn bitches.

And trust me I have seen these guys, I have gotten drunk with them, I have looked them into their eyes.  Eventhough they complain about their nagging wives. They are living their dream!! They have transformed the Bouquet into mulch and they are very very very proud about this.

We saw their pictures within a year with their newborn baby in their hand with their whole bunch of realtives and we know that the Catastrophe of Hot woman has already occurred.

Now these woman have noo fuckin resemblance towards that girl who they were ; Who used to get drunk with us and discuss Pablo Neruda, khalil Gibran , Politics , Karma and watch Roman Polanski movies . All of a sudden we know they are watching Colors and reading some crap commercialized womans magazines and Mills & Boon . 

We know that they are not any of this. But they are succumbed to some sort of “I dunno know what the fuck” societal pressure and have turned into something totally different.

Now let’s return to our “Good Guys”. The greatest trick that these guys pull out is making women believe that this is the order of life. That the so called paradigm of stability is where you turn down all your Individual existence and you live your “The Great Indian Family Dream”.

Now when you were around we used to get drunk and Stand you up, We may be not have been 100% faithful towards you, We may have been  Haunted by the ghosts of  Infidelity . But leave us out of the picture. Think about YOU. When you were with us, You were fun, other men desired you, You were talked about, you used to have your dreams about starting a boutique of your own, going to srilanka , you used to sneak  out from home and got  drunk from terrace.

When you were with us you were not Mulch!!!

Dude …. You’ve got to stop thinking Kinky!!

Okie these are the moments in which Innocent chicks make such weird statements that will pressurise you (Or may be not  you ...it may be just  ME ) on thinking Kinky!! or Wicked!!

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental. And In all my fantasies chicks call me Palli!!

Scene I: one of my ex offices!!

So there I was as usual sitting around in one of my Ex offices doin my gig (Imitating voices & mannerisms of my colleagues and ex Bosses!!) and makin everybody Laughin around as usual

Suddenly one chick comes from the crowd …

ROC (random office Chick) : Shit palli yaar! You are actually like really good @ this J

Me : Blush ... Thanks man!...

ROC: nahin seriously too good yaar,  How do you do this ???

Me: well Its kinda a gift

ROC: Well Can I ask you somethin??

Me: Haan Bhol na...

ROC: You think you can Do ME????? Please.. atleast try na ..!

Me: Well uhhh hmmmm…………!!

 

Scene II: One of those Rush hour evenings…… In a Media Agency!!

So there I was as usual way behind my deadlines running around to catch space for an Ad that was scheduled for the next day.  The backend people has refused to take the ad since its past past dead deadly deadliest deadlines!!! Only option left “Pattafy Sales bandha”

Me: Yaar .. Alex here! I know its tooo late & Odd! But you have to save my life

Okie in the other side of this line is a brilliant sales person who has seen this everyday life ka bhaag dhaud, by my tone she gets the hint of the favor I am going to ask

RPSC(Random publication sales chick) : Palli, I know what it is! This is about tomorrow’s ad right ….

Me: haan yaar

RPSC: Okie then  fast  temme … whats your size???

Me: …… aah well hmm ehh…..

RPSC: Arreh bholna and hey what POSITION you prefer??? Fatafat bhol….

Things that aren't strange after 500 days in Chennai

10 things that won’t feel strange anymore; once you have completed 500 Days in Chennai

1.    Anything said against Curd Rice can and will be used against you in the court of justice!

2.    The yellow pages for the name Subramaniam goes more than 150 pages

3.    Out of 10 police constables that stop you on ECR for drunk and drive! 8 are named Karuppuiah!

4.    Hot water comes out from both the taps.

5.    You shall not make wrongful use of the name of Rajinikanth in a vain or insincere oath. It will be considered as blasphemy!

6.    If you don’t know Cricket. It by default ends your eligibility to enter in 93% of the conversations.

7.    If you don’t like the taste of filter coffee; you are considered as a person with a   genetically impaired tongue due to high level atomic radiation.

8.    Value of Money, Exchange Rate, Repo Rate, Inflation Rates are determined, benchmarked and revised Month on Month (even week on week on monsoon) by Autorickshaw drivers.

9.    One Ghee roast can be three times costlier than a Mutton Biryani!
 
10.     At no circumstances, No matter how much provoked! Never ever ever ever! You should sing a Malayalam song @ Wine Shops!

My Experiments with ZEN!

All characters appearing in this work are fictitious. Any resemblance to real persons, living or dead , is purely coincidental.

I share with you a set of Four Unrelated stories, Inspired out of my real life which made me discover ZEN in my life.

1. Ok so there are these two guys sittin jobless over a Sunday morning hangover

Bonley Rojaan Shamel : Dude! Guess what I found out. This Queen Band wala Freddie mercury na, He is actually of Indian Origin. And guess what his real name is Farookh Balsara!! Fuck na!!!

Alex Palliveedan : Shut the FUCK up Bitch and do exactly like what I say. Take three glasses of Rice (Kerala RICE!!!) put it in cooker with double the water. And call me when the third whistle blows!!

“And thy Mortal was enlightened”

ZEN : From the pine tree, learn of the Pine tree, and from the Bamboo, learn of the Bamboo.

2.Ok so there are these two guys roamin through Alandur Market in search of Cigarette and suddenly one big black ugly dog jumps out of nowhere

Alex Palliveedan : Shit, Aliya ( Malayalam equivalent for Macha / Yaar / Dude), That dog is so gonna Bite Me!!!!!

Banker George Penn : Aliya for once in your life stop this paranoia, You are not that dog, How do you know whether its gonna bite you or not???

Alex Palliveedan : Aliya, You are not Me, How do you know that whether I know or don’t know that the dog is gonna bite me or not .???

“And thy Mortal was enlightened”

ZEN : The quieter you become, the more you are able to hear.

3.Ok so there were these two guys who got awakened from sleep at midnight and were starin at eachother.

Sharanth Rajaa Gopal : Macha I just dreamt that I am a Platypus. In my dream I had no awarness of my individuality and existence. I was just a yellow colored Platypus.

And suddenly now when I woke up and am sittin here like a person once again; I can’t figure out whether I am a guy who dreamt about being a Platypus or a Platypus who have dreams about being a man.

What could be the Zen in this Aliya (Malayalam equivalent for Macha / Yaar / Dude / Bro),

Alex Palliveedan : Happens to me too. Most of the times when I am lying next to you and sleepin. I have dreams of being a Terrorist trapped in the Heavy shell’ed and cluster bombed Tora Bora bunkers in Afghanistan. You know what’s the Zen of that.

Sharanth Rajaa Gopal: No Aliya? What could be the Zen in that?

Alex Palliveedan : My friend , Zen of that particular dream is that , You snore like a Fuckin Kuwait War !!!

Now shut the fuck up and let me sleep!!!

“And thy Mortal was enlightened”

ZEN : “Zen is not some kind of excitement but concentration on our usual everyday routine.”

4.

Drug trafficking from Colombia gets really hot during the summers, The Puerto Ricans, African Americans, The Chinese everyone other than accountants and stock brokers are behind buying and selling of Drugs during this season.

I don’t sell in summers!! I sell when no one sells! That’s how I stay D King! I remember givin lectures to the bootleggers who used to work under me that “We don’t sell drugs! We sell dreams”. All of them except a few are Big Bosses in various part of the country. But none as big as me.

You know why?? Cuz I don’t sell when everyone sell!

So during the busy summer season. I take my off go to my private island castle in Bahamas and stay outta the crowd, with just a few of my Body Guards, Mistress’s and 12 of My personal cooks and my Masseuse.

So there I am on one lazy Sunday afternoon resting in my private Island beach when somebody taps me from behind and asks.

(Mathew Cyriac ) “Da remember last time when you were taken to hospital and you had to wear that red color Jockey of Mine ??? Well you still haven’t paid for it!!!”

FUCKIN REALITY!!!!!!!

“And thy Immortal was enlightened”

ZEN : Before one studies Zen, mountains are mountains and waters are waters;
after a first glimpse into the truth of Zen, mountains are no longer mountains
and waters are no longer waters;
after enlightenment, mountains are once again mountains and waters once again waters.

3 things that Suck & Rock about kerela!!

Its been a long time that i have expressed my thoughts digitally! I am so ill-reputed for my Hyper Local Patriotism, So i thought probably i would express somethin objective about the subject which i preach the most! Kerala'ism!!

3 Things that SUCK!!** about kerela

** All the things stated are based on my perceptive individual opinion. Most of the points have been shadowed by my extreme prejudiced view on society :)

The Chicks : See first of all this is just a perceptive opinion. I am not sayin that they are not good looking or not fun to be with and stuff!! But somewhere I find Mal Chicks Kinda Boring!! I find their flirting as boring as readin my CA roommate Mathai ka Book on Commercial Auditing! may be its cuz they are too loud or egoistic or nagging or materialistic or.... I dunno , If you ask i cant pinpoint and show you a reason! but somewhere somthin makes them Boring by default!!

The Hypocrisy: I don't understand why such an intelligent and enlightened society should have this much amount of underlying hypocrisy. Parents don't talk sex, Girls wont accept that they have been kissed, Guys don't admit that they drink,

And whenever you ask any and i mean any couple! even when you find them making out inside SRIDHAR theatre! they have only one reply "We are just friends" (I never understood this friend shit!!!)



Sasi Tharoor : Author, peace-keeper, refugee worker, human rights activist, eleven books and newspaper columns, United Nations Under-Secretary-General and now a Minister...... All Well and fine. But Man isn't this guy so GAY!!!!
He reported to have moved out of the MLA Hostel saying that he dint have privacy there!! Man aren't you ruining the whole MAL thing here man! !
We invented the concept of sharing Underwears! You go to any hostel ! i mean any mens hostel , if u spot a guy who's walking around naked 99% that will be one of us a Mal!

We have been known, Loved and Respected among other ethnic groups for our Sense of sociableness & Non-Privacy! Here our KWAN! the love the respect and harmony that we and our Forefathers have built around all these years are being put to a toss!!

So Bottom Line is Sasi Tharoor! Nice suvave Guy! Educated and should be in the driving seat of a sinking economy!! But please don't relate him anywhere to Us & our KWAN!!


Now Lets talk about the

3 Things that Rock!!**

** I can go on an on and on and can put 3000 things in this list! But lets just prioritize!


The Kwan: This is the single Most important thing!! I have actually borrowed this word from the movie "Jerry Maguire"!

As per my Definition of Kwan is a Brotherhood Web of love, respect, community, Harmony, Chivalry , Brotherhood, Sacrifice, Reputation, Devotion, Vendetta, Protection, Money, Power, Supremacy, Honor in which Mal Guys operate on!! (Especially outside Kerela)

Just to give a brief example of KWAN!!

I can Go land at most of the Metro's at any point of time & stay free at my friends place, Friend's Friends place or Friend's Brother's Neighbor's Ex-collage Roomate's friends place! The only condition being that both the parties Are Mal's!


This is the KWAN I am talking about! 99% of the bachelor places i visited during my Bangalore & Chennai Days, I have seen atleast two Mal guys staying with them who are job hunting and living without any revenue earning model! they are just being supported by the KWAN!!!

PS: I had been to Bangalore on an election counting day and Managed to get myself and 2 of my friends Drunk till night 12'o clock on a complete dry day.
Its the secret of the KWAN!!


The Commies!: I think they (Actually We) are pretty coool.

leave alone the economic policies, The fall of USSR, The Cynic view on society and stuff! M talkin about the romantic aspect of the whole thing!!

The whole concept that children from their school ages are taught that there is somethin that is more important than sucess, Money and Career. and that Materialism is not the most important thing in life!! Most people outside kerela wont agree! But i think its cool! dunno Why but still! :)

The Spa Effect : God's own country thats the Kerela tourism board ka caption! But i think it should more be like "Not a State , But a SPA in disguise"

Where else in the world can you get drunk till 3 am in the morning ! (Rum On the Rocks) and get up next day without even a hint of a hangover!!

I Dunno what exactly powers this spa effect, may be its the humidity, the climate, the trees, the f0od or my best guess : "Coconut"

Yes m talking about coconut Thengga!. An ideal sunday starts by Vellayappam and Mutton stew! both containing Extensive amount of Coconut milk!! followed by a BRUNCH time Coconut Toddy accompanied by fish or beef fried only and only in coconut oil. And when it comes to lunch except the rice! everythin else is flavored by coconut!!

Evenings are time for a more serious alchoholic consumption and my favourite is Vodka plus tender coconut water! so Most of the above mentioned activities are actually speaking
Excuses to consume coconut in some form or the another!!

Corrigendum.... (I hope this is the right spelling)

Well there's smthn which i have mentioned in my write up, named Chennai
"The heat is in your mind, dont let it play with you,"
I am Xtremely sorry for that misjudgement and unestimation!, Maybe cause i wrote that smwher around april!
Wel since its May now i realise my fault, Its high time to accept the fact,
Heat is just not in your mind. Its fucking every where!! (Thoonilum Thurumbilum!!)
I mean i am not talking about humans and their misery alone ,I suppose that they are the entities that survive the heat wave the most.
M talking about crows which drop down from the air and get roasted in the road, The animals, the dogs,The Billboards, The Machines (one of my friend said he cant chat properly to friends in chennai cause probably their Gtalks nd Yahomsngers are not workin due to the heat!!)

Incidentally one evening i walk into my office after a long client call, And this is what happens

Boss: "Alex how did you manage to change the shirt"
Palliveedan: "Whatt!!?? no boss i dint change the shirt!
Boss: "Well I dont rember you having this White Abstract artwork design at the back of your shirt.Morning when i saw, It was just a plain black shirt".

Then I realised that its the Salt Sedimented from my Sweat which caused the Optical illusion!!

So thats the state chennai is in now, Its hot and humid.

Thanx to water packets I am still alive to write this blog!!

PS: I heard somewhere that Chennai is suffering with climbing population!!

I was like "Wat d Fck Machii!!, How can birthrate increase in Chennai,
M sure it should be Artificial Insemination, Otherwise how can people manage to have SEX in this Climate
M tellin u lets ban all AC's nd Coolers for one day, and then lets see where our birthrate goes!!

On books!!

Ever read one of those self help books!!!
How to suceed, How to win in life!
How to attract the opposite sex........!!

Now they are the most important proof of atheism, Cuz if there was a God existing anywhere! the authors of these books will be killed by lightning or sucked by earth ages ago!!

I mean i dont understand who reads all this crap,
There is this guy who writes articles on Hatayoga nd healthy non toxication oriented lifestyle, and i wanto find out who this guy is and i come to know that he died of cardiac arrest at the age of 47!!!

I was like 47??!!

Health books i can forgive they propogate some value proposition but ever heard of DATING GUIDES!!!!

Fine they write crap on it, but you know men on their anxiety to get laid will buy datng guides if they are written by AB Vajpyee!

But what i dont understand is WOMEN!!!!! Why does they need help in attracting opposite sex!!!
I walk through Spencers Towers chennai and i find a beautiful Gal reading a book "Where to find men"??
I wanted to grab a barrel and slam into her head!

I mean WHERE TO FIND MEN!!!!!! is that a topic worth even thinking!! and some bitch has even a book on that.......!

My advice for the author
Lady next time, Try to write on "Where you cannot find men!!!??

We were even on the Fucking Moon for Godsake....!!!



PS: ok Dear Selfhelp book writers rather than answering the most stupid questions like, How to behave if you are trapped in a Lift with a bunch of Bosnian Refugees!!??

Answer some simple questions.

Like say hmmmmm.......!!... Haa Why is it called Puri bhaji! Why aint it not Bhaji Puri!!
Awryte i know what you explanation is Bhaji is just the side dish and puri is the bread hence it should come as first priority! Fine..........!!

Then Explain this "Channa Battoora"
Wats the fuckin channa doin in front of the battooraa????

Now somebody gimme the answer of that and then i will call him an author!

Chennai

Well and so here life brings me to chennai!
i seriously dont know if you would agree to me!
probably you would laugh
But chennai is the best place i have ever been to and actually i can see a life here!
and you know whats the best part!

Remember those days wen we walked in the sun all thristy thirsty
and we dnt have nythn in our pocket other than chillarss!!!

well chennai has a solution we will get chilled water packets for Rs 1...!!!!
I mean what more should you ask for!

but when it comes to alchohol you better be alert
Cause the boooze which you get in wine shops are mostly adultrated!
and most of them has the smell of melted plastic!

My advice would be that if you are in chennai just take care of the following issues

• Never stare at people!
• The place is not that much hot or humid the heat is mostly in your mind, Dont let it play with you...!
• If you are eating outside stick to rices and dosas...!
• Auto's bill you by European Union standards and the Buses service you like Nazi concentration camps
• And when it comes to alchohol stick to Old Monk Rum!!!
• And the best part is that you can smoke in public and even inside restaurants.......!!, So stick other amenities and stick to nicotine

A disturbing discovery..........!!!

I am seriously hating this state of mine....!
I mean those who loves me will love this
But as of or me I am Hating it......!!

I mean all those Italian Mafia movies and Rajnikanth super flicks, and all those empathy and admiration that i possessed towards them has gone for a waste.........!!!

I have discovered a hard truth of life!!
Something from which i have been running away whole through my life
But this vacation when i spent it with my family i realised it.......!!

"I am not addicted to Cigarettes"

I mean how could this happen to me
Since the day i saw Al`Pacino in scarface i wanted to be an Smoker!!
Be an addict of it
Be a Slave of nicotine

From the first smoke i had i decided that "I am gonna do this till the day it kills me"

But then when i was with family who (which consisted of aunty's nd uncles who can sniff out smell of cigarette from you with the precision of a police dog) I decided to take a break from smoking
Lets do it only when the desperacy levels reach the Apex!!!

one day passed away peace fully nothing is happening
Second day passed and huh...) yes i kinda got tempted to smoke
Third day passed
4th 5th and 6th day also passed
nothing is happening
And finally the weekend came, Horror started running through my veins!!
I could hear voices going in my head

"Face it alex palliveedan you are not an addict"

Yes it was the truth
there was no point in running away from it
It was a reality to be faced
I am not an addict!!

I mean why me!!, How could this happen to me....!!
I was the guy who propagated smoke culture!!
I was the one who wrote articles about smoking (refer the previous blog entry)

But then as the wise ones say
" at times you pretend to be someone but the Genes will eventually expose your real self"

Smoke!

Now if you ask me what is inevitable in my life i guess i will come up wid!

Food, Creative freedom, water, and haa! Neena.........!!

Na nt a gal frnd or anythn! kind of a sister figure cum mother cum Psychiatrist cum Legal advisor cum relationship Counselor cum Fitness & Career consultant cum everythn else!!!!

Nd again this story is not about her!

Its about Me nd my encounters with Nicotine.......!!!

Once neeenz happened 2 ask me "Alex Why do u smoke?"

But then this is not exactly the Terminologies and syntax she used it was more like
"You F**kn ***%$#%$# Wat d f**** is wrng wid u;
Why d f*** do u hav to #@$#@ ing smoke every f##ing time"

And Alex palliveedan as usual came up with the most rational but then the most inspiring explanations of all time which will inspire the smokers for generations yet to come....!!!


"I dont smoke because i am addicted to it
i dont call it addiction
In fact i don't think any of them are addicted to cigarettes its love
Pure Platonic love towards cigarette and the state of smoking......!!
When you go to De - addiction center they just kill your love towards smoke!
they just kill the sensible sweet sensitive cigarette loving angel inside you
They just kill the love inside you.............!!

I love smokin and i will continue doin it.........!!
because i know its not addiction its love...........!!
And i am never gonna trade with my emotions
I am never gonna trade off my love for my selfish health reasons......!!!

If there was a provision i would smoke even in my sleep..!!

I would rather live 50 years of with smokin
rather than a 100 years without smokin.........!!!

ME

At the age of 5, I was thrown out of my Bible school for sayin that –

"When Considering Philanthropy as a variable Christ was nothing when compared to Ernesto Che-Guevera "

This is what i say to most of the people i get introduced to

But the truth is that I never Attended nt even one Bible school class!

The truth is that at the age of 5, I never knew who ERNESTO Che-guevera was....!!



So Thats me "I am a story Teller, A merchant of dreams"

And a thought just crossed my mind that Why dont i share some of my stories to the world!

"My designs are visible images which conceal nothing; It does not mean anything, because mystery means nothing either, it is unknowable"
- Alex Palliveedan

I don't like to call them as designs I'll rather call them paintings!
And as in for me i would like to call my self a painter rather than a designer...!

Femininity has always Fascinated me........!
Has always been my inspiration ......!

It may be funny to hear but trust me on this one thing

Its not my inspiration, Imagination or fantasies that drive me towards creativity..........!!!

The fuel has always been and always will be My Lust